Being truthful involves being open about your motives and intentions just as much as any other aspect. This implies that to be honest, one must refrain from creating subtle hidden agendas and fabricating minor lies. Dishonesty quietly infiltrates relationships and undermines them from within. A dedication to honesty is essential for a healthy romantic relationship (similar to all relationships), and thus, so is the humility and bravery to seek forgiveness when you have not been entirely truthful, as well as to grant forgiveness when the other individual fails in that respect too. The act of forgiving is a type of truth-telling.

Read more from our Letters to Young Catholic series here.

The second crucial aspect of dating is to ensure you follow through. This involves two elements. Initially, to become someone who consistently follows through, you must be cautious about the commitments you make. Reflect on the effort required to meet the promise you are establishing, and think about what it may cost you to keep that commitment, no matter the circumstances. Making fewer promises but delivering on more of them demonstrates maturity, accountability, and respect. However, the second part pertains to the difficulty of genuinely following through.

Seldom does follow-through occur without challenges. If you schedule weekend activities with the individual you are seeing, it’s likely that in the early stages of the relationship, you couldn’t foresee wanting to do anything else. However, as the relationship progresses, the initial excitement fades, which diminishes your enthusiasm for keeping your commitments when you later find out what your other friends have in mind for the weekend. Before you know it, you’re reluctant to stick to your initial plans.

And here arises a perfect opportunity to start avoiding honesty. You may want to provide a minor justification for why you’re unable to fulfill the commitment you made for that weekend. What remains unspoken is that the actual reason you can’t keep your word is that you would prefer to engage in something else instead. To adhere to your commitment, you would need to relinquish what you now desire more to honor the arrangements you previously made. Alternatively, if it’s wise and necessary, you can have a conversation (don’t text) with your partner and explain the true motive behind wanting to alter your plans. Be truthful. Being open allows you to genuinely say “yes” to truly being present with the other person.

A fourth essential aspect of dating is to pray for the other individual. I understand this may seem overly pious, if it hasn’t appeared so already. Please bear with me: I do not aim to come across as mundane or excessively devout. What I mean is shifting your focus from yourself through prayer. For many of us, the focus of our attention is often on our own needs. Therefore, make an effort to consider the other person’s needs and wishes. Be mindful when you are together, and then contemplate their well-being when you are apart. Subsequently, pray for them: for their benefit, not merely for your own benefit that coincidentally aligns with theirs. In fact, beseech God on their behalf. Interceding for the other person in this manner is the most important way to wish them well. The second most crucial approach to wish them well is, following your prayers for them, to take any action possible to assist, aid, or support them in whatever manner they require.

Do things together

The final point I want to highlight as essential for dating is to engage in everyday activities together, even from the start. Dating doesn’t necessarily require grand gestures or experiences where everything feels like “a date.” In reality, an overemphasis on that “big date” atmosphere leads to unrealistic expectations and, quite frankly, a lot of pretending.

Although recommending that your initial date be a visit to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles for renewing your driver’s license is not advisable (this would merely demonstrate to the other individual instantly that you lack an understanding of social interactions), it is certainly not a poor concept to undertake. mundane things like that (or perhaps activities that are a bit less draining) within the initial few weeks of a relationship. Engage in activities where you can dress casually, avoid feeling the need to impress, and have no one else judging you. This approach allows you to begin to “be authentic” with one another sooner, eliminating the sudden shift between the enchanting fantasy of a budding relationship and the reality into which things will eventually transition. Make a habit of being ordinary, frequently and from the start.

I haven’t shared much about romance in this space. Perhaps that lets you down, but it’s more likely that you’re not particularly interested in my views on it. What I have aimed to address is how to let dating enhance and shape your character (be honest, follow through, be attentive, etc.) and vice versa. At some point, for certain individuals, there will be an invitation and then a choice to dedicate oneself to the other person for life through marriage, thus continuing what you have already initiated: evolving into individuals of integrity and generosity, collectively, for the benefit of others. However, for most relationships that do not progress toward marriage, healthy dating dynamics—while never flawless—will help both individuals improve in understanding, appreciating, and committing to the well-being of another.

Risk

So here’s the final aspect that is truly, perhaps, the initial aspect. To date others, you must embrace uncertainty. You need to invite someone else out. If you’re interested in that individual, you must agree when someone else extends an invitation. One date might simply be just that—a single date. That’s perfectly acceptable. Keep trying and remain receptive. However, one cannot commence the journey of learning how to date without being open to dating. There is always an element of risk, because relationships — even fleeting ones — involve real individuals who are never solely what we anticipate or precisely what we desire. Building connections with other genuine people compels us to evolve and improve. Thank goodness.

Sincerely,

P.S. The next time, I’ll discuss sex.

Leonard J. DeLorenzo, Ph.D., works in the McGrath Institute for Church Life and teaches theology at the University of Notre Dame. His most recent book is “Into the Heart of the Father: Learning from and Giving Yourself through Christ in Prayer” (Word Among Us, $14.95).