The essence of slumber

Occasionally, insomnia places us in this condition. Eyes wide awake in the dark, the body appearing as if it’s completely relaxed when in reality it’s tight and watchful. The more you attempt to transition from awareness to sleep, the more anchored you become in this threshold state.

Numerous individuals claim that when they can’t fall asleep, they engage in prayer. They argue that if they are going to be awake regardless, they might as well ensure they are spending that time meaningfully. A person once shared with me that God would not allow her to rest until she had completed an entire Rosary for me (and I felt immensely thankful when I discovered this, as I had been in labor and facing difficulties). Additionally, certain people openly acknowledge that they simply continue reciting Hail Marys until they drift off. Whether you attribute it to boredom, a connection to some form of mind/body phenomenon, or simply allowing your guardian angel to finish the task, it proves effective for some individuals.

What I encounter, more frequently, is a distinct type of spiritual experienceMy mind, freed from the interruptions of a restless body, focuses on the single issue that truly troubles me. And although I may not be solitary in bed, there exists a unique sense of isolation that arises from being the sole one awake in the darkness. You feel excessively exposed and find it difficult to shift your focus, unable to conceal yourself. God gazes directly at you, and in the shadows, you inevitably return the gaze.

Or so it appears. There have been instances when I’ve endured hours skewered by a stick of self-blame during the late hours of the night, completely convinced that my unwelcome watch has laid me bare at last, and when dawn arrives, I’ll need to navigate my life in an entirely different manner, illuminated by the truth I’ve ultimately had to acknowledge about my existence and the way I’m conducting myself.

What causes me to have this belief?

At times, we simply feel weary.

To be truthful, it’s due to my drowsiness. And that truly is the whole story. I was simply extremely fatigued, and likely nearer to slumber than I understood, which explains why I was experiencing strange thoughts.

Certainly, it’s entirely feasible for the Holy Spirit to come and reach out to you while you’re in bed. Discomforting moments of wakefulness in the dark can indeed provide insight, and occasionally, there are truths you will only allow yourself to acknowledge when the surrounding clamor of the world has quieted down.

However, there are moments when exhaustion takes over, leading to unclear thoughts, and the strangeness of prolonged wakefulness twists your perception and amplifies issues that shouldn’t be given so much attention. Being extremely fatigued may lower your defenses, making it difficult to resist the lure of irrational guilt. While the Holy Spirit can come to you during the night, so too can any unpleasant little workaday demon who observes that your defenses are weak.

Occasionally when the alarm sounds in the morning, you might still feel fatigued, yet at least you’re somewhat more rational, allowing you to simply shake your head, recognize that you had been thinking irrationally, and return to your tasks.

Just as it’s simple to become ensnared in a pattern of avoiding profound contemplation about your life and your identity, consistently permitting yourself to remain occupied and diverted while avoiding the stark, unyielding clarity of midnight, it’s also easy to become trapped in undervaluing your own humanity, and partially convincing yourself that the only moments we can uncover crucial or harrowing truths are during exceptional situations.

We are threshold entities.

As beings of both flesh and spirit, and since aligning body and soul simultaneously can be challenging, we often perceive that encounters in unique, extraordinary, threshold spaces must be particularly enlightening or exceptionally accurate or notably significant in some manner.

We are, in a way, elitists concerning our own humanity.

However, we exist in a liminal state constantly, by our very essence. Every action we take is inherently neither one thing nor another, even when we endeavor to function purely as physical beings or as ethereal spirits. If we are pursuing clarity and believe that we must distance ourselves from the mundane to achieve it, there are methods to do so without sacrificing the benefits of our abilities.

If you believe God is communicating with you during your fatigue, then take measures to get some rest, and listen once more later. God is okay with reiterating his message, and all that he requests is an open ear. If you happen to be awake, do recite a prayer, or even ten. However, don’t presume that any thoughts that arise must be divinely inspired.

“Don’t pay attention to the thoughts that arise when you’re weary” is a wise general principle; and another is: God does not blame us. He invites us to repentance, indeed, and he invites us to conversion, and he invites us to understand ourselves. However, he does not ensnare us, nor does he scorn us. That is not the voice of God. It could be exhaustion, perhaps something entirely different. But it is not God.